Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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