My hand turned me down
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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