Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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