Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
