BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
