First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
