i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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