I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
