Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
