Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
