if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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