k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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