god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
tell your sister to shave her snatch
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
