where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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