just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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