I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
