You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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