I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He shit in the fireplace
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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