dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He better not be in your backpack
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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