My cat gives me a boner
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
