Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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