I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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