its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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