What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
