I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize