my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
