Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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