so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
