It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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