Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
