They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
