You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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