Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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