Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
