its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
