I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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