I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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