i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
