The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize