i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
