I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
