He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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