I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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