2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
barbara walters just said penis...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
