you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
