this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
