Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
And then he peed in my hair
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