I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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