It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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