pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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