hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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