I just saw a hot homeless man
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
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