My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
