I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
