I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
