I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you had me at cake vodka
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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