also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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