Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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