That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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