I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
