our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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