Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
