he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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