I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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