so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
