my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
