just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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