Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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