I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
