During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
