Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
