I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
