she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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